It’s been five years missing our little girl. I can hardly believe it. Sometimes it feels literally like yesterday that she was with us, and at other times, it feels like a lifetime ago. I can still clearly see her tiny little body, fighting for her very breath. And other times, I wonder if it really happened. But when you’ve had a loss, we know deeply that our daughter was part of our family, and we are missing her.
My other kids talk about her–our older daughter tells her little brother all about her. Even their cousins still ask questions about our sweet little thing. But the reality is this…she is not here, she is missing. It’s like a puzzle without the last piece, you never fully feel complete. Even now, five years later, I think of so many firsts without her. Just missing her.
Eleni would have been starting school this fall! And we are feeling it, the gap between our other kids seems extra wide at this time. Eleni would have been in swimming lessons, dance, piano…all the activities that she is not in, reminds us that she is missing.
I’m learning though, that my identity can’t be in my loss, or I will forget all that I have.
It can be easy to sit so deeply in your losses that you can’t see the good and all that you have gained. I have been guilty of this. Sitting in group settings, wondering how people can be so callous and unfeeling in the comments they make, even though the comments are not directed to you, it feels like it. Struggling to join parties, especially large groups, where people seemingly are just jovial, and you don’t understand their carelessness. Having one-on-one conversations and feeling tired of questions about how you are doing, even knowing they come from caring hearts, it seems like another question to answer. Wondering why my kids are fighting on a day where my heart just hurts, and I need to sit in my grief, missing out.
This is all valid. We have lost, we are missing someone deeply. There is no time limit on grief, in fact, I believe it will be for life. But to NOT process your grief, that is dangerous. When we don’t allow our grief to hurt, taking time to reminisce and remember our loved one, we lose the opportunity to see the good in the loss. This is hard to do. And the very thing I remember feeling hurt from others about. When someone would try to make our loss seem better by saying something good about what it did for others. There is much truth hidden there: in our losses, there is always something God redeems. But we are not always there and many times we simply miss out.
We miss out on the good.
Missing is not only a bi-product of loss, it can also become the bi-product of our grief, if we do not grieve well. We can miss out on the life around us, the people who are IN our life currently. We can miss out on fun, because we are so serious about our losses. We can miss out on the love that others want to give, because of the love we have lost. We can miss out on new opportunities, because we only see the opportunity that is missing.
Here’s what I want to end with. Jesus had an uncanny ability to see the good, even in death, he called the good out–some even experiencing resurrecting life because of that. Even on the cross, he saw the good, he saw God’s will as bigger than his–he saw the big plan to save humanity and submitted to it. As he saw the good of his death, while grieving (he said “Father won't you take this cup from me?”) he opened the door to the possibility of eternal life for many, so that no one would have to miss out.
I am still missing my girl. I’m missing the moments spent with her. But I am also seeing the good. I see the compassion my other children have for those who have losses. I have so much empathy for those who are dealing with loss. And our story is not over, the future is full of possibility even though we have experienced death so closely. I am not the same person I was a few years ago, life is seen through a different lens when you have lost someone close to you.
But don’t miss out, the best is yet to come.
Fight for hope. Fill yourself with God’s truth. Seek godly friends to support each other. But don’t let your missing, allow you to miss out on the bright future God has for you. See the good in the future, because that is GOD!
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